Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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