dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
