It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
sarcasm needs its own font
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
