I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
