I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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