There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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