I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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