If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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