Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize