how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
a search helicopter?!
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
