My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh god it's open bar.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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