Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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