I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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