can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
