I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
