At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize