i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize