Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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