i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
