Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize