Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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