PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
