You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
and she was petting her beer can
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
