i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
