I hate your face
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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