Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
