You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
