I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
