mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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