my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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