i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize