I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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