All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
