hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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