are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
