Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
