Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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