i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
