I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
