you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Sober January is a disaster.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
