I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
