my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
