my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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