saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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