I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
