I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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