Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I FOUND THE LEGS
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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