Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
