I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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