textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
No subtext here. People are naked.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
