If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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