Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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