Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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