I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
