He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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