i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
