Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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