Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My nipple is on Facebook.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
