I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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