So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
