I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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