Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
