i already hear my dad disowning me
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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