farters have to be the big spoon...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
