just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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