mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
