my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
