Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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